Esquire - 75 Skills Every Man Should Master
Due respect to OMTWF, but for some reason this list filled me with a strange sense of loathing. I can understand the importance of building a fire, sewing a button and making a bed. But then we get into: Know some birds. If you can’t pay attention to a bird, then you can’t learn from detail, you aren’t likely to appreciate the beauty of evolution, and you don’t have a clue how birdlike your own habits may be. You’ve been looking at them blindly for years now. Get a guide. Really? Birds? To be a man I HAVE to know this, nay, MASTER this? How about this one: Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn’t count. Have you ever said this out load: “Luckily, Tom knew the Butterfly Stroke.” I’ve never said it. Maybe I’m alone on this. I mean, I have a firm handshake ready which by the way, is number 70 on the list) for the man who has all 75 of these things MASTERED. But what are the odds of any of us stumbling into a situation where we are in need of THIS skill: Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear: Use his first name. Don’t use baby talk. Don’t crank up your energy to match his. Ask questions and wait for answers. Follow up. Don’t pretend to be interested in Webkinz or Power Rangers or whatever. He’s as bored with that shit as you are. Concentrate instead on seeing the child as a person of his own. You know that guy… The one who fancies himself quite a master of the world and he bends down on one knee and thinks he’s doing a really great job of talking to the small child when in fact he’s coming off like an arrogant cock-face? THAT’S who that last one is for. In fact this whole LIST is for that guy. That guy who spends a lot of time MASTERING STUPID THINGS and then realizes that the chances of him actually using his bird-knowing-child-talking-to-three-swim-stroke skills are little to none. And then the skills that are actually useful come into play, like having a job you enjoy, maintaining human relationships, and being nice to people. And this guy who has spent all his time learning to: Point to the north at any time. Is dumbfounded as to why nobody thinks he’s a demi-god. Sometimes I feel that all these magazines have this tendency to break down human wholeness into a list of “things to know” or “things not to be missed” or “merlot that your wine collection is incomplete without”, rather than talk about what it really means to be complete as a human being. Then again that sounds like a near-impossible topic to tackle. Maybe it’s better to go back to: How to throw a punch. -ojfOddly enough, this list was a real turn-on.
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