"SHE WAS IN A STORAGE LOCKER NONE OF HER FAMILY WANT HER, SO IM OFFERING HER TO YOU AT A DISCOUNT PRICE, ASHES ARE STARTING TO LEAK FROM BOTTOM, I DID DROP HER, I ALSO GOT HER PHOTOS SHE WAS APROX 67 YEARS OLD, 170 POUNDS, 5’7 THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST PIECE OF ASH YOULL EVER GET…"

"Want to sit around with me? Fuck it I say. Throw in the towel. Stop sucking in your gut and let it go. Admit defeat. Let’s have queso dip and watch M*A*S*H reruns, the way god intended. Let’s sit around together. We can play cribbage or something. Order take out. Take a nap. Microwave some leftovers. Come on. You know you want to."

"On occasion, when we’ve been on the cusp of doing something completely inane on NBC Nightly News, I will gently suggest to my colleagues that we simply courier the tape over to Jon’s office, to spare the Daily Show interns the time and trouble of logging our broadcast that night. That usually gets us to rethink the inane segment we were planning on airing. The old arc of a news story went like this: News happens. Media cover news. Audience reacts, then turns in for the night. For the past several years, however, there’s been another step added to the end of the process: being held to account for our faults by a comedy show with a sharp eye and a sharp tongue. How did we live without it?"